well...

I'm ready to write. Not sure what but I'm tired of not writing. I certainly can't write about the past six plus months right now. I don't remember much of yesterday for heavens sake. It'll come. Plus I see Melanie has started writing again. I think in some strange way we feed off each others blogs. If she isn't writing I think it's ok if I'm not writing. *(yes, I fully blame her for my absence. ) She's back to writing as of yesterday so I suppose I'll contribute some nonsense.

Let's just jump right in.

I delivered that baby. "That" baby. Not my baby. My babies aren't much in the way of babies anymore. She's just "that" baby. Or "the" baby if you will. I don't feel anything for her. In my mind, that's exactly how it should be. I've discussed this a great deal lately. I don't have any issues, lingering feelings, longings for a child that isn't mine. So why are people looking at me like THAT is wrong? I'm being handled with extra care because I had to give up a child. I didn't give up anything. I was simply a tool used for the purpose of creating a family. Sounds very factory made but it's not an ugly thing. It's a wonderful thing that I could be useful in such an endeavor. I'm proud of what I've done. I just don't think I need to lend emotions where none are required. Not for me. I have my children. I love my children and would break you in two if you tried to hurt them.

So I've carried two children for someone else to love. I did my part. My life is moving forward just as it always has. Their life is impacted much more deeply however. They now have children. They will love those children in a way I never will and never need to. I don't have to feel emotions for those two children simply because I could never feel more for them then their parents will. I know what they feel, I feel it for my own children.

Regardless of what people think, that's enough for me. That's what I want. That's precisely how I want it to be. My heart loves the experience, the people, the children. My heart is where it wants to be. I don't need it to do more. I have a sturdy heart. Strong like bull.

Seriously though, why would I want to keep someone elses child? This one issue bugs me the most. When I tell people the child I was carrying was for someone else they looked at me like I had two heads. Are good deeds so far gone from people's minds that they can't wrap their brain around the concept? I would no more come and steal your car then keep your child. They belong to someone else. Let's not even discuss the fact I don't WANT a baby. Babies cry and poop and do whatever they want and you have to let them or else someone calls social services and says you aren't catering to your baby's every whim and now you're labeled a bad parent and the kid will actually smirk. Then you have to do what the baby tells you. I'm just getting to the point where sometimes my kids do what *I* tell them to do. It's not down to a science yet but some days I feel pretty smug about it.

At any rate, she's out of my uterus. My uterus is very tired. I'm still hopped up on Motrin. It works well enough. My breasts have been competing for the blimp olympics. I think they've got a good shot at it. At this very moment I have cabbage leaves in my bra. Google it, I'm not joking. I feel very weird and self conscious about having a salad against my breasts. Rabbits are lurking around my house.

Maybe I'll be better about blogging once my breasts deflate and I can reach the keyboard better. I have a few product reviews I'm excited about too.

dear lord...

it's been awhile hasn't it. I'm so cranky when I'm pregnant. Also I seem to have this headache that's lasting ... oh... going on 3 months now. It's driving me nuts. I obviously can't take anything, and Tylenol pretty much sucks hairy sweaty ass when it comes to migraines.

Anywho, I've been brainstorming this epic mother of all posts so I'll try to get on that. LOL

I plan to post within the next few days. Things just really are stupid crazy hectic. Ok not really. I'm a lazy ass, but I have had headaches out the ass and kids to tend to. They're always around and good god they are annoying. School starts in a week and I WILL SURVIVE. I can make it one more week. I think I can I think I can.

I love my kids. I do.

Till next time....

for the concerned ...

INDIVIDUAL... I'm bored with the internet and have found other ways to entertain myself of late. Therefore blogging is on hiatus for now. Actually I've found nothing else to entertain myself and am merely brooding and maintaining a cranky and irritable demeanor. It's good for the soul.

blogging fool.....

Look at me. I'm blogging like a wild woman now.

I took Thing 2 to the grocery store a bit ago. That didn't go over so well. Remember I mentioned the morning/mid morning/afternoon/evening sickness... yeah.. that would be afternoon sickness. Which is really whipped into a frenzy in the produce aisle. ICK. I went with every intention of buying actual edible food. I bought pop tarts and the makings for s'mores. And chips. Lots of chips. It seems this pregnancy is going to follow a similar pattern as last time in that I won't be eating for the next nine months. Ah well... it was fun while it lasted. Food is really overrated.

When I explained to Thing 2 that pregnancy makes Mommy want to vomit, all the time, and it's worse in the grocery store at the moment, she proceeded to recite the grocery list over and over, emphasizing the eggs. She's adorable. Really. I'll take $5.

Needless to say I'm probably going to have a pop tart for dinner.

oof....

I seriously do not remember my boobs hurting THIS bad ... EVER. OUCHY. Man looked at them this morning and it hurt.

Plus, I would have to say yesterday could qualify as the official start of morning/mid morning/afternoon/evening sickness.

It's just about 3pm today and I'm finally feeling not so nauseous. I am hungry, but no desire to eat anything. Nothing sounds good. I've eaten things even though I had no desire to eat it. I think starving to death is counter productive to the whole surrogacy thing.

yikes....

I suck as a blogger. I was abducted by aliens. Honest. They sent me back too. Said something like "asks too many questions..." something. Pansies. Request one simple anal probe....

Let's get to it. I'm pregnant. June 6th, transferred two lovely embryos. Apparently one (or more?) stuck around. Must have been that sticky fella that didn't want to come out of the tube. I worried though. To be totally honest, I think I still don't believe it. Our last surrogacy I got my first positive home pregnancy test (HPT) seven days after the transfer. This time, the seventh day passed with nary a line. I immediately wrote the whole thing off and started wondering when the next transfer would be. Yeah, I'm an optimist.

So I managed to convince myself that this time was going to be different anyway, and expecting the exact same thing was foolish. That was before getting another negative eight days after the transfer. That pretty much sealed the deal for me. Yet I kept thinking WAY back in the back of my mind, it could still work out. But, seriously, I man WAY BACK in the very back of my mind. Areas rarely used for thought. Cobwebs and whatnot.

Monday rolls around and it's the day we're leaving for the beach. Even though I had given up, I still had a billion dollars worth of HPT's in the cupboard. I did what you do on them and set it aside while I tried to look elsewhere. I checked the results prior to the full three minutes and had to do a double take. Now, the previous tests were all torn apart for proper analyzation. This one didn't need prying open. There was the faintest of faint lines, but it was there. I promptly stuck the test in a baggie and tucked it safely into my purse and commenced with beach packing.

During the two and half hour drive to the beach, I checked the HPT roughly eleven times. That line was there without any special vision enhancement necessary. Very exciting. However, being me... I wasn't convinced. I mean, this was two days later than last time. I proceeded to go through an extensive amount of HPT's during vacation. All the test result lines continued to darken in progression, leading one to assume the levels of HCG in my system were increasing properly. Still not convinced.

Finally the time came for the blood test. And yes, I tested on HPT's all the way up until test day. Mind you, the tests have all gotten as dark as they could... but I wasn't going to quit. "Pee Away" they begged me. So this past Monday morning, I woke up at 5:30am got ready then headed out for the clinic at 6am. It's not as bad as it sounds. Anyway, bloodwork done, home by 7:30am. I was home before anyone even woke up.

The nurse called me at 1:30pm with my Beta number, which was 226. I then proceeded to sulk since I was expecting a larger number, because once again, I was comparing this to the last time. I posted my number on my various surrogacy forums and everyone else seemed to think it was a fine number. I then started researching other peoples numbers and started feeling better about the number. In fact, there was a surrogate that had similar numbers and was carrying twins. GAH. We'll worry about that later.

Fast forward to Wednesday, another early appointment, blood test, nurse called at 1:30 again. What we're looking for is the number doubling. So in order for me to relax, the number had to be at least 452. Well it was 587. So the doubling time was less than 48 hours, which is good. Very good.

I'm now willing to call myself pregnant but I'm reserved about it. We have our ultrasound next week so we'll see how things are going for sure then.

did i mention....

How much I LOVE this new blog???? Seriously. I want to marry it.