I'm leaving you blogger. I just can't deal with the slowness, the lack of fancy features (like seeing how many people check my blog; a feature that may be here, I just can't find it) and the overall NOT WORDPRESS-NESS.
take me back autie em.... take me back.
http://deloresmelon.wordpress.com/
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
i just don't know.....
I'm thinking I'm going to go back to wordpress. Just coming here to post THIS took me nearly 5 minutes for the box to fully load.
TOO WONKY. Don't want. I'll keep you posted. HA! get it... posted... on a post... hahahahaha.
TOO WONKY. Don't want. I'll keep you posted. HA! get it... posted... on a post... hahahahaha.
Monday, February 22, 2010
well...
I'm ready to write. Not sure what but I'm tired of not writing. I certainly can't write about the past six plus months right now. I don't remember much of yesterday for heavens sake. It'll come. Plus I see Melanie has started writing again. I think in some strange way we feed off each others blogs. If she isn't writing I think it's ok if I'm not writing. *(yes, I fully blame her for my absence. ) She's back to writing as of yesterday so I suppose I'll contribute some nonsense.
Let's just jump right in.
I delivered that baby. "That" baby. Not my baby. My babies aren't much in the way of babies anymore. She's just "that" baby. Or "the" baby if you will. I don't feel anything for her. In my mind, that's exactly how it should be. I've discussed this a great deal lately. I don't have any issues, lingering feelings, longings for a child that isn't mine. So why are people looking at me like THAT is wrong? I'm being handled with extra care because I had to give up a child. I didn't give up anything. I was simply a tool used for the purpose of creating a family. Sounds very factory made but it's not an ugly thing. It's a wonderful thing that I could be useful in such an endeavor. I'm proud of what I've done. I just don't think I need to lend emotions where none are required. Not for me. I have my children. I love my children and would break you in two if you tried to hurt them.
So I've carried two children for someone else to love. I did my part. My life is moving forward just as it always has. Their life is impacted much more deeply however. They now have children. They will love those children in a way I never will and never need to. I don't have to feel emotions for those two children simply because I could never feel more for them then their parents will. I know what they feel, I feel it for my own children.
Regardless of what people think, that's enough for me. That's what I want. That's precisely how I want it to be. My heart loves the experience, the people, the children. My heart is where it wants to be. I don't need it to do more. I have a sturdy heart. Strong like bull.
Seriously though, why would I want to keep someone elses child? This one issue bugs me the most. When I tell people the child I was carrying was for someone else they looked at me like I had two heads. Are good deeds so far gone from people's minds that they can't wrap their brain around the concept? I would no more come and steal your car then keep your child. They belong to someone else. Let's not even discuss the fact I don't WANT a baby. Babies cry and poop and do whatever they want and you have to let them or else someone calls social services and says you aren't catering to your baby's every whim and now you're labeled a bad parent and the kid will actually smirk. Then you have to do what the baby tells you. I'm just getting to the point where sometimes my kids do what *I* tell them to do. It's not down to a science yet but some days I feel pretty smug about it.
At any rate, she's out of my uterus. My uterus is very tired. I'm still hopped up on Motrin. It works well enough. My breasts have been competing for the blimp olympics. I think they've got a good shot at it. At this very moment I have cabbage leaves in my bra. Google it, I'm not joking. I feel very weird and self conscious about having a salad against my breasts. Rabbits are lurking around my house.
Maybe I'll be better about blogging once my breasts deflate and I can reach the keyboard better. I have a few product reviews I'm excited about too.
Let's just jump right in.
I delivered that baby. "That" baby. Not my baby. My babies aren't much in the way of babies anymore. She's just "that" baby. Or "the" baby if you will. I don't feel anything for her. In my mind, that's exactly how it should be. I've discussed this a great deal lately. I don't have any issues, lingering feelings, longings for a child that isn't mine. So why are people looking at me like THAT is wrong? I'm being handled with extra care because I had to give up a child. I didn't give up anything. I was simply a tool used for the purpose of creating a family. Sounds very factory made but it's not an ugly thing. It's a wonderful thing that I could be useful in such an endeavor. I'm proud of what I've done. I just don't think I need to lend emotions where none are required. Not for me. I have my children. I love my children and would break you in two if you tried to hurt them.
So I've carried two children for someone else to love. I did my part. My life is moving forward just as it always has. Their life is impacted much more deeply however. They now have children. They will love those children in a way I never will and never need to. I don't have to feel emotions for those two children simply because I could never feel more for them then their parents will. I know what they feel, I feel it for my own children.
Regardless of what people think, that's enough for me. That's what I want. That's precisely how I want it to be. My heart loves the experience, the people, the children. My heart is where it wants to be. I don't need it to do more. I have a sturdy heart. Strong like bull.
Seriously though, why would I want to keep someone elses child? This one issue bugs me the most. When I tell people the child I was carrying was for someone else they looked at me like I had two heads. Are good deeds so far gone from people's minds that they can't wrap their brain around the concept? I would no more come and steal your car then keep your child. They belong to someone else. Let's not even discuss the fact I don't WANT a baby. Babies cry and poop and do whatever they want and you have to let them or else someone calls social services and says you aren't catering to your baby's every whim and now you're labeled a bad parent and the kid will actually smirk. Then you have to do what the baby tells you. I'm just getting to the point where sometimes my kids do what *I* tell them to do. It's not down to a science yet but some days I feel pretty smug about it.
At any rate, she's out of my uterus. My uterus is very tired. I'm still hopped up on Motrin. It works well enough. My breasts have been competing for the blimp olympics. I think they've got a good shot at it. At this very moment I have cabbage leaves in my bra. Google it, I'm not joking. I feel very weird and self conscious about having a salad against my breasts. Rabbits are lurking around my house.
Maybe I'll be better about blogging once my breasts deflate and I can reach the keyboard better. I have a few product reviews I'm excited about too.
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